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Love & Sex
gallery Mar 29 2017
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Lesbian Bed Death

Hi! Kate Schaefer here, I’m the EIC at H&H Weddings! A couple of weeks ago, I posted on Instagram, asking whether a Love & Sex column was something that you’d be into. Judging by all the thumbs up emojis, I’ll take that as a resounding “yes!”

The problem is this – there is not much out there in the way of information on LGBTQ+ relationships, especially when it comes to sex. There is no lesbian version of Cosmo, on newsstands with headlines like “What Are Her Deepest Desires: 5 Things That Will Drive Her Wild!” (that is like, an eerily accurate headline considering I made it up on the spot…) But that doesn’t mean that queer relationships don’t need some guidance, too. Let’s take lesbian bed death for instance. Is it real? Who even knows! Actually, that’s a lie. I do know and I will be covering that very topic soon! But the point is, we have a bunch of stereotypes to base our relationships off of! Gay men are sluts and never make it to the second date, lesbians Uhaul and stop having sex in long-term relationships. WTF? That’s not helpful.

I’m not an expert, but I am a person who has been in a few different types of relationships and I consider myself generally well-rounded in the world of sex and relationships. I am hoping we can make this a Q&A sort of thing. What do you want to know? Any feedback? Something got stuck where?! I want to hear it! So, you can send me an email at bonjour@handhweddings.com and I will gladly answer your burning questions.

Today, I want to talk about lesbian bed death (LBD) because it’s something that I hear about a lot. It was also something that a few of you sent DMs about when I asked what topics you were into.

So, the age-old question: Is Lesbian Bed Death Real?

The answer? It’s really not. Lesbian bed death is a term coined by University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz in her 1983 book American Couples. According to Schwartz, lesbian couples in committed relationships have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts.   This study and term has been criticized by many people for obvious reasons.

Firstly, show me one relationship in which frequency of sex doesn’t diminish over time. No matter how passionately your relationship starts, at some point, you have to go to work and you have to do the dishes. I don’t care if your gay, straight, etc., the white hot heat won’t last forever.

Secondly, the amount of time that it takes for two lesbians to have sex is significantly longer than any other set of people. The average male can orgasm within 5 minutes, while the average female takes 20. So, strictly based on numbers, lesbian sex just takes longer. Our sex is time consuming and let’s be honest, it’s hard to make time once the realities of adulthood settle in and your all night sex romps come to an end for the sake of your sleep schedule and overall health.

My last point is this – we, as lesbians, have very few examples of hot, long term relationships. If you have watched tv and movies over the past 10-15 years, there have been a very limited number of happy, healthy, sexually active relationships to look up to. Typically, it’s a steamy, explicit, “don’t let my husband and kids find out,” sort of affair. And what message does that send to the community at large? Unless it’s risqué, it’s not hot. There’s not much in the way of one partner coming home to do the laundry and the other jumping her bones. But that’s real life. I think that, sooner than later, this issue is going to be resolved. We are much more visible in mainstream media than we were, even five years ago.

I don’t care what your orientation is, if you’re in a sexual, intimate relationship, it’s always going to be work to keep that facet of the relationship alive and well. What’s unfortunate is that, as members of the LGBTQ+ community, we have so much work to do to overcome the stereotypes that have been placed on us. However, I have faith that, as we all evolve, we will figure out the best path for happy, healthy, sexually active relationships. (If that’s what you want!)  

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Leah Title_key Chloe

Real Wedding
gallery Mar 29 2017
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Tell us your love story!


We met at an event at San Francisco Pride 2012 when Chloe was visiting from Montreal, where she lived at the time. We spent every day together until Chloe returned home and soon after, we jumped into 2 years of traveling, and living, between the US and Canada. In December 2015 we started our life together in our new home of Los Angeles. We eloped in February 2015, proceeded to get Chloe her green card and planned our Palm Springs wedding for September 2016.

What about the proposal?


We did not have a formal proposal since are not super into formalities. It felt more like a series of loving decisions based on never wanting to be apart again.

When did you know that you were meant to be with each other?


It depends who you ask, and when. Mostly, we were obsessed with each other from the moment we met, and if you ask Leah it was pretty much love at first sight.

Going into the wedding planning, what did you definitely know?

The most important thing we knew going into planning our wedding is that we did not want to limit ourselves to a single afternoon or evening of celebration. We knew that many of our friends and family would be traveling to attend, so finding a location that would be enjoyable to spend a long weekend was ideal. We LOVE Palm Springs so it seemed like the perfect fit to have it there, and we were lucky enough to find a perfect (usually gay male) resort to privately book out for the weekend.

What surprised you during planning?


Leah is an event producer so actually producing the event was pretty easy. Compromising to find a celebration that felt entirely authentic and safe to both of us was the biggest challenge we came up against.

Any advice for couples planning weddings now?

The things we wish we could have done differently were: have a stricter timeline on the wedding day for getting ready etc, forced ourselves to provide our photographer with a shot list, not hesitated on inviting more people, and had a coordinator to handle all of the day-of business and get us out of the way.

What was your favorite part of your wedding day?

Our favorite part was definitely having our dance party in, and next, to the pool. This felt extremely unique to Palm Springs and was amazingly fun. Having our wedding over 3 days gave us the opportunity to relax and spend time with our friends and family. We were able to connect on a meaningful level with the people we love most in the world. We were so lucky to have had so many of our brilliant, talented and generous friends involved in the wedding (officiating, djing, hair & make up, flowers, set-up etc). Honestly, the weekend felt more like a celebration of community, queerness, style and love. We are so #blessed.  

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Sneak Peek
gallery Mar 28 2017
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Crème de la Crème Vendor Directory
gallery Mar 28 2017
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If you're having a fall wedding, you are likely in the midst of making a lot of major decisions about your wedding day! Let us help you out with our ah-mazing list of LGBTQ+ friendly vendors! These folks truly are the best of the best at their trades! 

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Anna Title_key Emelie

Real Wedding
gallery Mar 27 2017
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A Swedish Soirée

From the Photographer...

Anna & Emelie are not hard to get to know. They will always let you in with their whole heart. They laugh a lot and you feel truly happy with them around. We were all crying our eyes out when they arrived on that raft that day. It was such an emotional day. We all knew their history and it was not simple all the time. But like Emelie's tattoo says "Love conquers all" - that was what they were living for. Love. With love, you can manage everything and make anything work! And you could really tell that day, so much love was in the air. We cried and laughed, danced & drank champagne. I love them both truly and I think we all do.

Tell us your love story!

We were best friends long time before we became a couple, 10 years to be exact. At the end of that 10 years, we realized we wanted to do everything together, and we always wanted each other by our side all the time. It took a while before we realized we were more than just friends!

What about the proposal?

Anna proposed to Emelie early Christmas morning of 2010. Anna had made a photo book with some text to the photos, and on the last photo was a sign saying "Will you marry me?" Anna had put roses in the stairway and when Emelie got up their love song was playing. Sarah Dawn Finer. Emelie, of course, said YES!

When did you know that you were meant to be with each other?

From the first moment when we realized it was us. Always.

Going into the wedding planning, what did you definitely know?

We had a few things we did know about or wedding day. We knew we wanted an outdoor ceremony, beside the water. We wanted to be wed by someone we knew. And that one of us should have a black dress and the other one a white. We wanted a simple but relaxed wedding, with a theme - the one thing we love the most - champagne!

What surprised you during planning?

It was really hard knowing where to put all of the guests on our seating plan. And hard to know how much food and drinks we needed to fix! Otherwise everything when great!

Any advice for couples planning weddings now?

We should have had a lot more staff for serving food, organizing and bartending late night! You can never give enough information to get everything right on your wedding day.

What was your favorite part of your wedding day?

The best part of the day was when we arrived before the ceremony, on a raft, on the water. Seeing all of our guests, standing there, waiting for us, crying, laughing was amazing.

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